Strong Women Arms Shrink My Pen*s

Published in Little Old Lady Comedy

The hottest thing about women besides huge breasts on-top of countable ribs and toddler-sized wrists are skinny arms. Skinny arms show me that women are women (and don’t have a pene). When I see a woman running in the park with biceps, I throw-up in my mouth and my rock-hard boner goes soft like hard pretzel to soft one (I’m a hard-pretzel guy). Buff women (a product of the liberal agenda) are unnatural, just like peace-talks and veggie-dogs.

2015 CrossFit Champion aka Winner of Too Many Abs

Think of the all-American wet-dream, Dolly Parton — really think — and then think of the “Fittest Woman in the World,” Katrin Davidsdottir (communist CrossFit photo below).

When I see that this man-founded company “Reebok” took this photo of this “woman,” I immediately write a check to a pro-life campaign because like women’s choice, muscular women are unethical. I now call “Reebok” “Peacock” because they are showy and gay like NBC. 

Based on my understanding, the photo below is how women want to be perceived and the picture I used to choose my third wife:

Advertisements are important because they reinforce what we should desire and who we value, which is why strong-armed women in ads are deplorable. A woman with herculean arms recently asked me if I needed help with my suitcase and I immediately screamed at the nearest flight attendant. I explained that he (I didn’t expect this either) must upgrade me to first class because my pene was disrespected. 

I was often called a “sexist” at work for I saying, “It’s a fact that women are weaker than men, and we know this because they would have been World War II heroes like Brad Pitt was.” Since being asked to retire early from my job, I’ve learned to only tell the truth to men and lie to women.

With all the terrorism against conservatives, I worry about the younger generation of men finding wifely wives. I overheard a woman on a date offering to pay for the meal, and I shot the man in the face for I would rather we men be killed execution style than be stripped of our innate duty to have financial control, as that is what our Founding Fathers fought for.

1985 — Advertising Golden Era