Woman Drank Coffee, Worked Too Well

A Brooklyn twenty-something year-old drank an iced coffee at 9:52am and became notably “alert” and “observant.” A friend told reporters, “Thalia looked up during conversation for the first time and noticed my sadness.” The friend also remarked that Thalia’s speech had significantly improved. While the two were saying goodbye in the middle of the doorway, Thalia’s “ums” had been replaced by actual words.

Hungry Ghost, a local coffee shop with no outwardly spooky qualities, serves artfully spewed caffeine under hot milk patterns. A barista noted that Thalia’s limp-wristed credit card exchange was much more deliberate and even included eye-contact the second time when Thalia was ordering a yogurt for nine dollars (or, $9).

“Caffeine blocks adenosine,” Dr. Jekyll, an Aware Specialist, or Unaware Specialist, says, “and that scientifically unlocks another, better version of ourselves. Table spoons of powdered caffeine are lethal, normal amounts of caffeine are legal.”

When asked for comment, Thalia closed her MacBook Air, looked at the reporter dead in the eye and asked, “Yes, but will you watch my laptop? I have to pee.” ☕️